Episode 10: Purpose in Pain
In this episode, Tonia talks about how through the pain, the trials and tribulations of life, there is always purpose. Whether you caused the pain or life just happened, purpose always prevails. You may not see it while you are going through it, but as you reflect and seek clarity, peace and understanding, you will discover it. It is always bigger than you. And your testimony can help someone else.
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Tonia: So, if you are living, you have definitely felt some type of pain in your life and oftentimes we go through things and are unsure of why. I know that is something that I have asked a lot, like, “God why did this happen? What did I do? Is this a punishment? Why am I experiencing this?” And it isn’t always that you did something wrong or that you’re being punished; it’s just that life happens for any number of reasons. Sometimes, it could be consequences of generations before you. Especially in the old testament, it talks about you know, how those sins of the father are passed on from generation to generation. Sometimes it is the decisions of others around you that you might be connected to, and sometimes, it could just be decisions of your own.
So there are a lot of different ways that we experience pain, but today, I want to talk about that purpose in the pain. Even when you don’t know why. Even when you don’t understand, that there is purpose in it. You might not see it while you are going through it or experiencing it, you know, it may be something that you discover in retrospect, later on down the line. I know that for me, there are several things that I came to a revelation of later on down the line. But even going through it sometimes, it’s like, “well, why is this happening? What is the lesson that I need to learn and what can I do differently even now, where it doesn’t rob me of my peace or stop and become stagnant?” Because I have experienced that, too. And so, really the purpose that is in the pain, what I have tried to find are ways to be able to teach other people. One, so that they don’t have to go through the same thing that I did; and two, so that one it helps me, because I am encouraging and uplifting other people and so that blesses me.
He who refreshes others will also himself be refreshed. Proverbs 11:25
And so, it helps in that benefit, but it is, I don’t want other women to feel the same things that I did. And if they do feel it, or they are walking through those seasons, even right now, I want to be able to give hope and encouragement that they can make it through, and that they can keep fighting to live another day, and eventually become the best version of themselves.
One of the things that I will say that sticks out to me is a conversation that I had with my sister several years ago. When we were driving down the street, and she said, “What do you like to do for fun?”
That is a super simple question. Super simple. But I couldn’t answer it. And I am sure I have told you all before that it was like a pivotal turning point for me. Of, okay, I have been so caught up with pouring into other people and caring about everyone else that I lost sight of myself. But before I had any other roles or titles, I was a woman first and foremost. And God placed purpose and value in me just like He did in each of you, way before He formed you in your mother’s womb. He has plans and a purpose for you, and that’s what you have to walk out and fulfill. And so, for me, it was trying to figure that out. I discovered throughout the years that there was always something that I was doing that was related to my purpose; I just didn’t know to call it purpose.
So the key to it a lot of times, is something that you are already doing on a day-to-day basis, that comes naturally and just flows out of you; but you’re not realizing that it’s purpose and that it’s attached to purpose - you’re just doing it. You are like, “well this is just what I do. It’s just who I am.” But it’s literally part of who you were created to be. But you have yet to realize it or had that clarity or revelation of that, it is part of your destiny and part of your purpose. That is one of the things that I find most interesting, is that even when we are going through trials and tribulations, God is still using us and orchestrating us to get us to the path that He originally planned for us. Even if we are off track, or, you know, going a different way, He always finds a way to bring us back.
And so, I’d say the second catalyst that was just like, “Okay, Tonia. You really have to start focusing on you and who you are, and what makes you - you, so that you then can determine what do you like? What do you enjoy? What do you want out of life? And in a relationship? Um, because those boundaries have to be set. Because people can’t do anything more to you than you allow them to. And if you don’t set boundaries for yourself, other people aren’t going to know how to interact - or let me say that differently. If you don’t set boundaries people will do whatever they want and treat you however they want, and they can take advantage of you. And again, they can’t do anything more to you than you allow, so if you allow it, they are just going to keep doing it.
I would say the most pivotal moment for me in establishing boundaries would be back three years ago around this time really. I was in the house getting ready for work and my husband was getting ready to do his Monday morning conference call, which was normal every Monday at 9:00am. He had walked into the office, and my meetings weren’t for like another hour or so; and so, he walked into the office and started his call. Things were normal. I don’t remember what they kids were doing. They might have been on a break, so I might not have even had to work that day. Long story short, he rushed out of the house very quickly while he was still on his conference call with work. He was gone for about 20 or 30 minutes, but he came back in the office and sat down again, and he was still on the same conference call. He just - my husband is a dark chocolate man okay, but when I tell you that he looked completely pale - like something was definitely wrong, and I was just like, “what in the world is happening?” I thought maybe something happened to someone in the family, and I was waiting for him to get off the conference call to see what happened.
When he got off the conference call, he stated that the woman who had been his mistress for, I’d say probably, at that point, twelve or thirteen years, had been sleeping with someone else. And her son called to tell my husband that because he was all upset about it. And my husband fell apart. One, because his pride was hurt, and two, because he felt betrayed. And he was really hurt. I mean like really hurt. And for me it was hard to fathom; because I’m like, “you’re not married to this woman. Like, you’re not even in a relationship with her. But you feel like she cheated?!” That was the part that was a hard pill for me to swallow, because how do I as the wife, one be okay with the fact that this is upsetting you the way that it is because I know exactly how that feels, because that’s how I felt when he first started the relationship with her; and then continued on it, as if I didn’t matter.
Again, this is going back to boundaries. And so, I remember for that next week - yeah, the kids were on a break, because he had to go out of town for a couple of days, and we all went with him. And I remember him just falling apart, over and over again. And being there to wipe his tears, and just encourage him and uplift him and be that support - the support that I always wanted when I was having those same emotions and feelings because of him being with someone else. And I walked with him through the whole thing day by day. And he completely stopped communicating with her, stopped talking to her. You know, I was in charge of pick up and drop off of the kids they had together. And she talked to me, and he talked to me, and they wouldn’t talk to each other. It was a very odd place to be, and I will say after about a couple months of that, somewhere in there the tides changes. I don’t know if it was her apologizing to him or what, but they were back in each other’s good graces, and I was shut back out again. It was like the two of them against the world, even though I’m the wife.
And that for me was like a real wake up call, because it was just like, “Lord, You came that we might have life and that more abundantly.” And I just don’t feel like this is the life that You promised me. I don’t feel like this is how marriage is supposed to be. I had a hard time with that. One, why was I as the wife okay with my husband still having a mistress? Why was I okay with walking with him side by side and wiping away his tears and helping him through that? As if…um, and then, getting in the middle of it. Where I was the go between, between the two of them. And then, when it came to the end of it and her cussing me out and telling me that they were still intimate and that she was just mad because he took me out of town on a trip for the weekend and not her, and so that was her retaliating against him.
It was just like, “what is this teaching my kids? What example is it setting for them?” I don’t want this dysfunction to be normal for their future relationships. I don’t want it to be where they think that it is acceptable to be with multiple people, or you know, to allow your spouse to be with someone else and you. I just, that part is heavy.
Because I feel like so much time of their lives, like literally their whole lives, that is all they have known. And so, just super prayerful that God is able to lead and guide them in their future relationships. And that they are able to see things spiritually through His eyes, what’s His will and desire for them and not just settle. And not have blurred boundary lines. Like when I tell you that those boundary lines truly matter, they truly do matter. Because again, people can only do to you what you allow them to do. And when you draw those boundary lines, you need to color them in thick. Don’t just have them where they are kind of blurred where people can just step over the line a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more; and then all of a sudden, your boundary lines are just completely obliterated. Like you have to stick to it. I don’t mean like this person has to check in with you every hour on the dot or they have to say this this and this. I am not talking about controlling, but I mean where you shouldn’t have to beg someone to love you. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to be with you or show you affection. Or to be faithful to you. Like those are things - there are some standards that you have to put in place, and you have to stick to them. Because that’s how you teach other people how to respect you and what you will and won’t allow.
Oftentimes, people need you to set those boundaries, because when you don’t, yes, it is a free for all, do whatever you want, because they’re not sure which way, what can they do and not do. You have to set those expectations, but the only way for you to do that is to know yourself. You have to learn more about who you are so that when someone asks you that, you aren’t just, “I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I’m a father. I’m a son.” No. It’s not always roles and positions that you hold. Who is it that God called you to be? Who did He create you to be? You won’t know that if you don’t have a relationship with God and a relationship with yourself. Like you’ve got to be able to be alone by yourself, and be able to reflect and journal, and figure out who you are and what makes you, you. What are those boundaries? Those things that you are like, they are nice to have, but what are those must haves that you are going to hold firm on, that you are not blurring those lines no matter what?! NO matter who walks in the door and whispers in your ear, you are hanging on to those boundaries, holding steadfast and firm.
That is so important. It’s important for your emotional health. It’s important for your mental health; even your physical health, because “as a man or woman thinks in their heart, so are they.” (Proverbs 23:7) Like every thought that you have, it’s literally what you become. It’s what you attract. It’s what is attracted to you. It is that powerful, so you really have to take the time to sit down and think about who you are, what you believe in, what your values are, and what your boundaries are, so that you can then communicate that to other people. So that when they are trying to be in relationship with you and interact with you, whether it’s a friendship, a coworker, a boss - no matter who it is, you’ve got to set those boundaries and stick to them.
And so, I said all of that to say that there is purpose in the pain, and those things that I just listed about the boundaries and knowing who you are in Christ, and in knowing who you are as a person; those are the things I learned through my pain. That is the purpose that I found in it. Would I have loved for God to have just told me flat out, “hey, this is your purpose and this is what you need to do.”? Absolutely! But we all know that life does not work that way. There are some bumps and bruises along the way and things that you have to go through and trials and tribulations that you have to experience in order to come out brighter on the other side.
You are refined in the fire and I will say for me, holding onto Jesus was literally the only thing that got me through. All those times that I was like, “Well, why am I not enough? You know, why did I not matter? If I would have done this better or that better, or been better at this or done this a different way.” And no matter how many times I tried to do that or fix it, none of it worked. None of it worked and none of it mattered. And so, you can’t fix everybody else. But you can fix you and you can work on you. So, I would say that’s what you need to focus on. And that’s what you need to do moving forward is just focus on you, because you literally can’t control anyone else.
It’s that need to feel wanted, loved, appreciated, valued; where people want to be in your presence and you know that they are glad to be in your presence. That they see the value in you. I say for me that there was a lack of that. That I didn’t feel loved, valued, appreciated, or wanted. And so when you have areas that are lacking, or that you are not receiving ideally what you would like to, you settle for something that is - I am trying to find the word that I want to say - you settle for less than God’s best for you. Um, you just accept whatever because you feel like it’s better to, at least I’m with this person in a relationship than to do the hard work of being alone and becoming the best version of you. And just getting to know yourself and being able to establish those boundaries. Being okay with being alone.
I will say that I haven’t ever had a problem of like spending time by myself. I didn’t always have to be surrounded by a million people or constantly going, going, going - or doing this or that, or a bunch of activities. I am totally okay spending time by myself, especially as I have gotten older and really used it as a time to reflect; to be able to really gather my thoughts; to just process some things. Um, and to just kind of plan and really look at, okay, in certain situations, this is how I respond. How could I have responded differently? But it’s like I always have to go back and think about it later. There are some people that you could be talking to them and they could just like say something, and you can just fire right back. For me, it’s later when I am replaying it in my head, and I’m like, I should have said this. Or you know what, a better response would have been this. Um, yeah.
But in the moment, I don’t think of that. And so that’s why I try to write more stuff down in my journal and really get my thoughts together before I have conversations, especially when it’s a tough conversation. So that all those different points that I feel like matter in terms of me, and my viewpoint and perspective, I want to make sure that I cover each of those. You know and not think about it later when I’m rehashing out the conversation in my head. And you know, it’s like at that point, you should have said it right then and there and addressed it. Just being even comfortable with that. But you have to be comfortable spending time alone in order to learn those things about yourself. And be able to do better so that you can articulate more clearly what you’re feeling and how you’re feeling, even in the heat of the discussion.
And, of course, there are times that you do need to like, walk away, and gather yourself, collect your thoughts, calm down, so that you can speak in a more even tone, and be able to really get your point across without it coming off as harsh or demeaning or causing the other person to get offended. Be on the defense type of thing. Um, but if you’re constantly pouring in and constantly looking at tv, or social media, taking all of this other stuff in, you don’t have a chance to really get to know yourself and who you are and what makes you, you. And what you were ten years ago, is not the same thing that you are today. We all evolve. We all process things in different ways. It’s okay to know that maybe you were okay with this ten years ago, but you’re not okay with it today. Maybe you were okay with it last year, and today you are in a different place and no longer okay with it. And that is okay.
You’re going to keep changing and evolving, and as you learn better, you do better. As you are going through the painful things, just take time to jot down those things. What you’re feeling and what kind of triggers cause it. See if you see any patterns. If you keep experiencing the same things, or the same trials and tribulations, or around that same mountain; start pinpointing some things that you can do differently. Okay, I always responded this way when this happens. From now on, I’d like to start responding this way. Or, every time somebody does this, it makes me feel this, or I react this way. Then, you can start figuring out ways to react and respond better or differently, so that you don’t have to keep taking that same test over and over again.
So that is where I am at now. Is really just wanting to help other people to not be defined by my story and to really establish those boundaries and stick to them, because happiness is a choice. It doesn’t come from somebody else. Like other people can add to your happiness, but it is a choice that you have to make every single day when you wake up. You have to choose that happiness and you have to find things that bring you joy and that make you happy. For me, that constant is Jesus, because the joy of the Lord is my strength. When I am weak, He is still strong. That is what helps me. Knowing that that is my joy and where my happiness comes from - because like when I talked about wanting to be loved, wanted, appreciated, valued - it’s not possible for a human being to give you all of those things all of the time, because they are human just like you. They have flaws and they are not perfect. They are imperfect people. We all are. But Jesus is perfect. And so He can fill in all those voids and empty places, and hurting places that we’re looking to other people to do.
I have to tell you, especially ladies out there, that you cannot look to a man to be your savior, your lover and your daddy. It’s just not going to work. It’s not humanly possible for him to do that. So take that pressure off. A lot of times it’s the expectations that set, that we expect for a man to fulfill that he just can’t possibly do. That’s why we have to be whole and complete ourselves before we’re matched with a man. When a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. You have to be that good thing and coming whole in;to the relationship. Yes, everybody has baggage, like that’s inevitable, but it’s how are you dealing with it. Is it still defining you? Is it still affecting you even now today that now you’re lashing out at your spouse, because you have those unresolved issues that you didn’t already fix and heal through before you jumped into the next relationship. I’m guilty of that myself so I am literally telling you from experience what I know.
You have to give yourself time to heal. Yes, it’s tough to be alone. And it’s tough when you want to have that person that you do everything with that you’re growing and building life with, and enjoying life together, and you have a family. You would like ideally for it to work that way, but life just does not always happen that way. And so, being able to heal through those tough moments, so that when you do come back around and you have that opportunity to be in a new relationship, you come into it whole. Not looking for that person to come in and fill the voids and emptiness that only God can fill, but where you complement one another and grow together.
That is what is most ideal and I will say that is what was lacking for me. And so, that’s my focus now. Is just being whole, and I know that I can only be whole in Jesus Christ. And so, giving up control. That’s tough, because when you feel like you can fix it yourself or say, “if I do this better. Or if I do that better. Or if I do this.” You think that you can fix it, but you can’t. One, because both people have to be willing to be in the relationship, and both people have to be willing to work on it. It can’t just be where one is willing and the other one isn’t, or one is doing all of the work and the other one isn’t. Because you’re not really in a relationship anyway at that point, even though there is a physical human being there with you. Is that really what you desire? I’m guessing no.
So, I know it’s tough. I know it can be painful and lonely. But you have to do the work. And, as you’re doing the work, you’re becoming a better version of you, so that when you are in that next relationship, you can really thrive. Because you are coming into it whole and so both of you are uplifting, encouraging, and enriching one another as opposed to depleting or pulling each other down. So take the time to do the work. I assure you that when you come out on the other side, God’s got you covered, and you’re going to be in a much better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially. You will come out stronger and better. You might have started out as that rough, rocky rock, but now, you’re a shining gem. Because everything that God made is beautifully and wonderfully made. But that has to shine from the inside out and you have to know it on the inside. It can’t just be where someone told you, and so you took their word for it. And then at one point, you disappointed them, and they stripped that away from you.
You have to know it on the inside because that is who God says that you are. So, I’m telling you that there is purpose in the pain. Even when you can’t always see it, but it’s to get you to be exactly who God created you to be. The enemy uses anyone he can to come against you, to throw you off focus, and to make you feel like you’re not enough. Or that you’re not loved or that you’re unwanted, but that’s not true! God loves each and everyone of us. He sent His own son to die on the cross just so that we could be with Him. And He could see us through His son, covered under the blood. Not in our sin and imperfect bodies. And so, He is there for us and that is what I want you to focus on. Even when it’s painful, know that there is purpose in it. Look for the purpose. Focus on God.
So love God, love yourself and love others. Always in that order. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today, and I look forward to connecting with each of you in the community. Have a great day. Thanks Journey of You family.
